"Reasons Why You Cannot be a Bridesmaid" Review

So how many of you have read the Gawker article, "Reasons Why You Cannot be a Bridesmaid"?  If you haven't read it you really should.  Like RIGHT NOW.  However, I will break it down for you.  It is an email sent by a monster bride to her potential bridesmaids with a list of ground rules they must accept before they are granted the honor of bridesmaid. 

I have had a bunch of family and friends send me this article to get my opinion on it and I have decided I need to address everything this bride requests of her bridesmaids and give you my perspective.  I am going to break it down by paragraph and give you my thoughts.  Just to lay down some ground rules the bitch's  bride's writing is in bold and I am in pink.  Also, please excuse her grammar, she isn't the brightest.  


To m lovely Bridesmaid: [Names removed to protect the brideslaves]

As you all know I picked 10 wonderful ladies to stand by my side, share and make happen my special day to Jake. Each of you individually have a reason and a special place in my heart of why I picked you to be a bridesmaid. We have set our date for Saturday, August 31, 2013 in Vail, Colorado. That seems far away but it really isn't, the earlier the planning the better. You may have already knew that my wonderful sister L— will be the Maid of Honor, she's in charge under me. Also my lovely mom will be a big help as well. L— has a big role in throwing me a bridal shower and bachelorette party, of course all of you guys do but at the end of the day shes the go to person and makes it happen.

• Not too bad yet, I think it's a little harsh to tell your brides your maid of honor ultimately runs the show, but a lot of brides do it so I would be totally fine if one of my best friends wrote this to me.  (Glad they may have already knew that though)

You all have a big roll in this wedding, so before we continue I'm going to be setting some ground rules and its very important you read and think about everything through before you accept this honor to be a bridesmaid. If you guys email anything I would also like you to put L— in the CC. Not all the bridesmaid need to be CC'd unless its coming from me or L—, if it something everyone needs to see then well do it. We set the date to August 31, 2013 if that's a problem we need to know NOW. Also by the end of the week we will be setting dates for the engagement party, bridal show and bachelorette party.

• It's hard to fully understand what she is saying because of the language, but I think I got the gist.  There is to be no talking about nice things for this bride behind her back.  So if a few bridesmaids wanted to do something special you have to clear it with the maid of honor and then she can decide whether others need to know.  I think I will skip emailing anything for this one.  Don't want to get in trouble!

Our wedding party is really the most important people at the wedding besides my self and Jake so we want every single one of our bridesmaid and grooms at our parties, I have 10 not 8 where two couldn't make it so if you already know you cant make one of the parties then we have to find someone else, not to be harsh in the slightest it would sadden me and of course you'll still be invited to our wedding, engagement ect. But it's different if your not in the wedding party and couldn't make it. We'll give everyone well advance dates for the parties and it will always fall on a weekend. The wedding as I stated will be in Vail the engagement party will either be in NY or CT and the bachelorette party will be in Vegas, cliche yeaa but I've never been.

• So basically we love you so much and you truly is are the most important people at the wedding besides for my highness and Jake, but if you can't make three parties throughout the year in three different states, you are no longer THAT important and I will replace you. 

A few girls live out of town so if there is going to be a problem with coming to either one then I need to know now because after this week I don't want to be surprised. I would like everyone to send me any dates they are going away or planning to go away after February so if your going away in January I don't care. I want any dates from February to the day of our wedding in August, that way we know not to plan something when your away. But after this week the dates are set in stone. Also if money is tight and you cant afford to contribute to say the bachelorette party or wont be able to afford a dress etc then L— and Myself don't have time to deal with that, I'm sorry. This includes flights as well, everyone knows the states where the parties are going to be held so if you wont be able to afford a flight then that means you cant make a party which ultimately means I cant have you as a bridesmaid. Obviously we'll get the best deals and were not gonna books flights for $1000 and shit that's why were doing this in advance, that goes for bridesmaids dresses as well everything will be affordable but if you think by affordable its going to be a $25 forever 21 dress then your going to the wrong wedding.

• So let's say I accept this HIGH honor of being this slave and I send in all my dates I can possibly think of this far in advance, what happens if my cousin plans her wedding the same day as the shower next month and I have to miss it?  Or what if a work trip comes up and I have to go somewhere on a weekend?  Am I out? 
• This is out of this world.  I would never ask my bridesmaids to spend this money on me.  If they are able to then I love them for it but if they can't I will help the where they can and I totally understand if they can't participate in everything.  Doesn't she get that people have their own lives and on top of it this may not be the only wedding they are in at the same time?  I personally can't miss work that often so I would have been kicked out for sure.

If your out of state though don't think you have to fly in for all fittings, that we will work with you, find stores in your town, get measurements..you don't have to worry about that. Also if you accept this honor another thing is that you need to be available, I'm not going to harass you with wedding stuff every hour of everyday but if its something important and it takes you a week even 2-3 days to get back to me seeeee ya! I don't have time to wait around for responses, everyone has their phone on them, it shouldn't take you more than a day to get back to me, even if your out of the country, check your email!

• Oh so you don't have to book a flight just to get your dress altered, she is such a nice person.  However, that is probably a little harsh to demand you check your email when you are OUT OF THE COUNTRY!  What if someone was on vacation and didn't have access.. would they be out?  I am guessing yes.

Furthermore, Ever since I could remember I have dreamed about this day all my life. I want to share it with the people that are most important to me. You only get one time to plan your dream wedding and I couldn't pick a more amazing group of girls to make that dream come true! So please, what's stated above think about it all and by Wednesday I need to know if everyone is 100% in, and what I have asked about sending me dates if your gonna be away between Feb-Aug ill need that on Wednesday. If you don't think you'll be able to attend one party but can make the rest of them I'm sorry but I'll have to take you out as a bridesmaid and put you as a guest. If you want to get back to me before Wednesday, that's fine. Really think about everything I've said. This is really going to be the most epic wedding ever so I hope you girls can share this special day with us!

Love,

• I hope every girl that read this pressed delete and never spoke to her again.  This girl is a miserable human being and does not deserve any more attention. 

**********

 

So, what do you think?  I think we took two TOTALLY different approaches on asking our bridesmaids.  I threw a shower to celebrate our friendship and she ended all ten friendships.